I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
