when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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