Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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