He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Holy shit dude........stairs
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize