i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
