Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
