one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
