I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
