In the future we'll all be gay
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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