Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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