Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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