he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
