Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
