Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
