Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
