STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Randomize
