I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
