so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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