drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I pour the whiskey from now on
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