I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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