My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
