it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize