after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
