I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
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