My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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