You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
