My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
my shit smells like andre
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize