I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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