I can text with my tongue
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
