Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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