Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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