Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
