You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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