Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
