If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize