He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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