guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
soo... how was my night?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
