i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Drunk is not a location!
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
