I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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