Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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