Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
