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just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
