I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
