Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
