Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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