proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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