Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
We smell like vodka and hangover
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
