no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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