we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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