addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
