i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
