Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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