did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
