Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
