I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
