Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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