Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
