a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Randomize