I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
