Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
