I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
